Week 1 with Medication

     The doctor wasn't kidding when she told me I would feel like I had the flu the first couple of days on my medication. I felt awful. I was sick to my stomach and I didn't sleep very well at all. I was actually wondering if I had made the right choice, but after almost a full week on the medication, I feel as if I am starting to get used to it and I am no longer feeling sick. I am starting to have more energy in the mornings. I feel like it is starting to work a little bit. 

     I am so thankful that I went to the doctor. I am happy that I am going to be able to get better and be the mommy that this little boy deserves. I love him with all of my heart and I am so happy to have him in my life.

Goals For Week 10/3/2011

 1. Cook 2 new recipes at home.
    
     I just today finished reading the book Ravenous, and I love the way Macy explains her obsession with food and they we she is trying to overcome them. I too believe I am obsessed with food and I feel that part of my healing will come from cooking my own meals at home. I am going to slowly try to eliminate almost all processed foods and really work on eating more plants and less meat.

 2. Finish all fundraising cards and thank you notes.

     I have now proudly made it to 52% of my fundraising goal for my walk. I am still needing just over $1,100 to complete that goal and to raise the funds I have hand made some cards to send to close friends and family asking for their help. I have sent out 10 with an overwhelming response to help, so if I send out the 40 I have left I should meet my goal before the walk in November. 

 

 3. Read for 1 hour daily.


     Part of my healthy living strategy is to reduce stress. One of my favorite ways to do this is through reading. I love all kinds of books and I love reading right before bed to get my mind relaxed and calm. 

 

 4. Do my daily training for my Susan G. Komen walk.


     I have been less than thrilled with my training walks for this event. I have not been doing what I need to do as far as preparing myself physically for this walk. I am afraid I will get there and not be able to finish...I hate not finishing what I start.

5. Track every thing that goes into my mouth 6 days this week.

     I am a firm believer that if you have to write down everything you eat you will think twice before putting into your mouth. I have been using Sparkpeople's free nutrition tracker to keep tabs on my eating. 

Starting weight from the doctor's office today:311
Times I wanted to cry:15
Samples of antidepressants given: 4 weeks
Relief from having the courage to ask for help: immeasurable

What are your goals for this week? 

Dealing With Depression

     Today I took a huge step in my healing process. I went to the doctor and my concerns were confirmed. I am a mom, wife, teacher, daughter, sister, and friend that suffers from depression. I have known for awhile now that something hasn't been quite right with myself. I cry at the drop of a hat, I can't keep my mind focused, and I wake up exhausted and achy every morning. I have been dealing with these feelings since I had Jase over 2 years ago, but it has recently gotten so bad that I have had to push my pride to the side and go ask for help. 
     Depression runs in my family. I have always known that I could have a tendency to be on the down side. I am a pessimist at heart no matter how much I hate to admit it. I am a worrier. I am a perfectionist and if I can't do it right the first time I get so hard on myself.   
     My doctor has prescribed me some medication to help build up those hormones in my body I need to feel better. I am hoping that with my feeling better I will be able to lose weight better. Only time will tell.
     In the mean time, I drank over 100oz of water today, tracked all of my food on Sparkpeople, and cooked a really yummy homemade quiche and fruit salad for dinner. I am already feeling a little better knowing that I am doing my best to try and take care of myself for my family.

My Journey: From Chubby Chick to Muffin Top Mama

      

     When I was born I weighed 7 lbs. and 8oz. A fairly normal weight for a fairly normal baby girl. Through out my childhood, I wasn't ever the smallest in my class, but I most often was the tallest child and I always felt as if I was the "biggest" girl. It definitely took a toll on my self esteem. I can remember many times in junior high that I would come home crying because females can be evil. It is hard to come from a broken home and feel confident when the girls around can pick you apart daily. I think that time in junior high prepared me for my future as a 6th grade teacher :)

      


     By the time I got into high school, I had started to figure out who I was as a person. No longer did I really care what the "evil" girls were saying. I knew they were having issues themselves and that is why they tore others down around them. I started to gain confidence, although in the back of my mind, I still was not happy with my body and I was ALWAYS on some new diet. My weight fluctuated from what I remember as my lowest weight 183 (while playing basketball), and 194 (my senior year after I had quit playing basketball and I was no longer cheer leading.) This may sound like a lot to some people, but I am 6' tall. I carry my weight pretty well, and according to the height /weight chart my highest healthy weight is 184.

     From the end of fifth grade until I graduated high school I lived with my hard working single mother and my little sister. We were a very busy family. My mom started by working 2-3 jobs at a time, and I would stay home with my sister after school and on the weekends. We had to eat what was easily made, boxed macaroni, Schwan's frozen food, frozen pizzas, cookies, chips, etc. A whole lot of junk food. Endless Cokes and frozen ice cream treats. When mom decided to open her own homehealth care business with family she became less busy, but we then started eating out every night. I also had an open campus in high school and ate out many days for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Not exactly the best formula for healthy living. 

     My Freshman year of college started off well. I met my husband two weeks before the year started at the Baptist Collegiate Ministries. I was rooming with my best friend from high school, and I was going to school to be a musical theater geek!  Little did I know that music theater would make me miserable and depressed. I knew I needed to change and soon after my first semester I changed my major to Elementary Education. In the meantime I settled in to a very happy relationship and gained way more than the freshman 15. I can still remember the day I stepped on the scale and saw my weight climb out of "Onederland". I said I have got to get this under control. I can not gain this much weight. Little did I know that those 25 pounds were only the first of an unfortunate many more to come. 

 

      

     First comes love then comes....Marriage. Jason and I got married on June 24, 2006. I was not happy with my weight. I was around 264 pounds a year before we tied the knot. I remember a night where I called my mother because I had hit rock bottom. I was sobbing and needed my mom for comfort. My self esteem was at a new low and I was so very unhappy with my weight, and my body. My mother suggested she pay for me to go to a weight loss doctor, and I jumped at the chance. I went to a doctor for about 6 months, and I took appetite suppressants and ate processed Smart Ones with a salad for every meal and a juice fast every Monday.   I ended up losing 30 pounds and people started to notice. I was starting to feel better about myself, and then I realized that the reason I was losing weight was because I was taking pills. I made the decision that I did not want to be on pills for the rest of my life so I quit taking them. With the planning of a wedding comes stress, and I am a stress eater so after quitting the pills I gained 10 pounds back, and weighed around 240 at my wedding. 

      


     About 3 years after our wedding I weighed around 260 and received the best surprise of my life. Jason and I found out we were pregnant! Of course being the lover of food that I am, I used my pregnancy as an excuse to eat whatever whenever I felt like it. I craved spicy food, fried pickles, and Dr. Pepper. I ate enough to gain over 50 pounds during my pregnancy. 

     Jason Edward Marshall II February 21, 2009
He was very worth the weight...{pun intended :)}

 

      


     At Jase's first birthday party I was not happy with my appearance. I was still uncomfortable with my weight and my self-esteem just kept getting lower.

     Behind my goofy smile, at Jase's second birthday I am 10 pounds heavier and my heart is heavier as well. I am getting so frustrated with my failed attempts to lose weight. I have taken pills, given myself shots of HCG (I lost 30 pounds in a month then gained it right back), tried P90X (threw my back out), and have just decided that I am destined to be fat forever. 

 

     This is the most recent picture I have of myself. Jason and I took Jase to see Toy Story 3. I am normally so excited to do things with my son, but recently I am so depressed I don't want to do anything. I haven't scrap booked in almost 3-4 months. I am supposed to be walking in a Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure walk in November and I can't bring myself out of bed in the mornings to train. I feel as if I am in a downward spiral and I am fighting the current, but it is winning and dragging me under. 

     Tomorrow is a new day. I have a doctor appointment to speak with her about my depression issues. I am also going to start tracking my food intake. I am going to be taking a journey to try and revamp my family's food intake from processed to natural and organic. I am going to be retraining my self to cook at home instead of eating out all of the time, and I am going to start making exercise a regular part of my everyday life.  I am starting this blog to document my journey. I am putting this out in the word wide web to keep myself accountable. No one may ever read this, but I am writing to remember where I came from and never go back again. 

Stay tuned tomorrow for my before pictures...EEK!


Where are you in your healthy lifestyle journey? What is your advice for me?